I am a proud Demisexual! And I always have a hard time explaining it to other people, let alone myself some times? But this makes it really easy ^^ please reblog and share this.
This is neat; I like it.
FINALLY AN EDUCATIONAL GRAPHIC THAT USES THE DEFINITION OF BISEXUAL THAT I ACTUALLY IDENTIFY WITH
Something has been bothering me about this graphic and I had to think for a while about what it was. I suppose it’s that I don’t understand the necessity of gray- and demi- sexuality, because if we are to set those preferences apart from everything else, then how are we defining ‘normal’ or ‘average’ sexual/romantic preferences? In my opinion demi- and gray- preferences in a human are not unusual, so why distinguish them? If I had to choose one, I would be suited to ‘demi’, but why is there a need to name it? I guess what concerns me is that those two titles and definitions only exist because of our hyper-sexual mainstream culture. Shouldn’t we, instead of making new definitions, be opting to redefine what ‘normal’ sexuality is? Or is the naming of one’s preferences only a means of inventing a group identity, of feeling like you belong to something?
I had to write this out because I am trying to understand. I hope that some day the gradient area between asexuality and whatever-sexuality will level out. I hope that some day it just won’t matter who likes what. Bodies and their sexual features just seem so purely incidental to the human inhabiting it, and I haven’t quite grasped the reasons why people need to give things a special name, to fill a niche, to hop on some bandwagon with their miles of hashtags. I feel like these definitions are creating unnecessary divisions within the inherent fluidity and wholeness of sexuality. But that’s just, like, my opinion, man.
I want to hear your feedback, but don’t be a dick about it plz.
I think for me, what made me feel significantly different from other people I knew — including other women I knew — was their ability to talk about people like celebrities or classmates they didn’t know very well as hot/cute/sexy. Like, random lady boners? How does??? The concept of demisexuality is that an aroused reaction doesn’t occur towards someone / isn’t triggered by someone ( / help I’m bad at language) unless some sort of emotional bond has already been established. As with other people, arousal may be experienced at random or in response to other stimulus, like a steamy novel. But demis don’t really develop crushes on or experience arousal towards strangers or acquaintances; they develop crushes on and arousal towards close friends, teachers, other forms of close people that I’m sure exist i need to stop typing help
Gray-a is essentially asexuality with very rare exceptions. Some people will still feel comfortable using asexual as their identity after having such an experience; some aren’t so certain afterwards, and prefer gray-asexual. The circumstances may not include the close emotional bond that is “required” by the demisexual and there is a lot of room for variation within the gray-a identity. It sort of encompasses everything that isn’t strict asexuality, and some consider demi a subset of gray-a.
And, well… I’m willing to admit that demi may not be unusual at all. It may be, in fact, the exact mid-point average. But the label was a revelation to me because it didn’t feel that way. It wasn’t about whether or not people around me wanted to have casual sex or sex with strangers (a lot of discussion about demisexuality involves the distinction between behavior — ie. whether or not you would actually choose to have sex with someone regardless of attraction — and the phenomenon of attraction itself). So it was more that I literally could not understand, on a personal level, how attractions were formed nigh instantaneously. To me, people have more pleasant / interesting faces or less pleasant / interesting faces and there’s no real “attraction” involved until that bond is formed, and then it’s suddenly like “Gosh he’s so handsome” or”Wow she’s really cute” in a different way. (Though obviously… this doesn’t happen with everyone I’m close to.)
So I have this perception of something that exists as “the norm” — which is the ability to be like “Oh he’s cu-ute" about a total stranger/celebrity/rando friend of a friend who maybe hangs out at the same parties — and I don’t share that experience, and so for a long time I just felt like a goddamn weirdie. Finding out that there was a word for this "weirdness" and that other people experienced things the same way normalized it, and helped me to embrace myself. The side-effect may be creating divisions, and that is really unfortunate. :s It’s like claiming being straight or gay is better than the other which is just…nonsense? There is not a superior or inferior sexuality. Obvs.Sometimes we just need these words to understand ourselves. Having a name helps us to point to something and say, “This is real, it is not something aberrant, it is not a random inexplicable flaw, this is something humans experience and I’m not alone and I’m not broken. This can be worked with.”
I think the general idea is that demisexuality exists maybe one notch below “normal/average” sexuality and then hypersexuality is like… it’s not about having sex with a lot of people, it’s that the frequency of people who just happen to be so damn fine goes way up? Maybe??? I’m a little out of my depth on that one, but that would be consistent with the model I’m describing here. So maybe that hypersexual lady has like ten different lady boners a day, or twenty, or five, or some number that is reasonable for this context — but chooses to sleep with none of the people who set them off. Maybe she even wants to be celibate for whatever reasons! Meanwhile, an asexual or someone who’s demi or gray could choose to get it on with damn near everyone but not actually have any attraction towards them. Like… I guess, probably most sex workers are not attracted to a lot of their customers. Or like a gay person might sleep with a straight spouse because they want to stay in the marriage for whatever personal reasons. So there’s preferences, as far as who you would prefer to sleep with as a conscious choice, and then there’s orientation or…preferences *winknudge*
Admittedly, I do think the need for a community and shelter for those who identify on the ace-spectrum is heightened by existing in a culture where sex is just all over the place (so “hypersexual,” with a different meaning), which maybe distorts the degree to which we feel an “other.”
But here we come to what I’ve been wondering about lately, and I think the thing that a lot of demis are forced to confront in one way or another:
It’s entirely possible that the perception of other people’s experience of attraction is all in my head. Because yeah, like… we don’t really know what’s going on in other people’s brains and bodies. So maybe people don’t experience attraction AT ALL the way that it seems like they might, and it’s just a quirk of language that led me to believe my experience was significantly different. Maybe I am actually entirely “normal” and average in that regard. I mean, at the end of the day, I am more than fine with that. And I no longer feel the need to have a distinct label for myself; I’m more and more okay with just being like “eh well here’s me.” But it helped to pinpoint my experience and then orient myself when I still felt really lost.
Whew, that was long. Thoughts? Corrections?